Welcome, new employee #4352!
Congratulations, you were deemed the most adequate of our candidates!
First off, let us welcome you on behalf of the staff and infallible executives of DWI. By now, the hypnagogic gas we exposed you to during your orientation should be wearing off. You will notice a dull ache in your head. This is simply a side effect of the small neural detonator we’ve installed in your hippocampus and will subside within the next 2-4 hours. Should you experience any other side effects, including but not limited to:
- False memories
- Thoughts of consuming human flesh
- Uncontrolled muscle spasms
Please report to the corporate med-bay, located on floor 7. The nurse there will help you transition. Also note, any incidents as a result of a loss of self-control will be noted in your employee file.
In front of you, you will note a small silver box. This is your employee welcome package. Inside are a cup printed with the DWI logo, a ‘Hang in There’ poster, and a pen holder. Be sure to display each item properly on your desk. Points will be deducted for improper levels of enthusiasm. Please retrieve these items within 5 minutes of completion of this letter. Be aware, the box is hermetically sealed, and will only open once the correct amount of DNA is imprinted on the surface. We have provided a small package of DWI razor blades to get you started. Failure to open the box within 5 minutes will send a signal to both management and the detonator in your brain. You will then have two minutes to open the box. Should you succeed, your tardiness in completing a task will be noted on your employee record. Should you fail, we understand. DWI is not for everyone, and those whose brains have detonated will be given a proper burial per corporate standards.
We want employees to feel comfortable working at DWI, and that’s why we’ve included the following rules for a safe and fun work environment:
- Any treats brought in by employees must first be inspected by DWI Quality Control. Should they meet corporate standards (i.e. no more than 3″ on each side for brownies), they will be distributed in an orderly manner.
- Should Beth approach you, do not engage her talk about Mary’s clothes. Beth is being Shunned. Her shunning will end when we feel appropriate.
- Personal calls shall be limited to exactly 45 seconds. Any longer will activate your neural detonator.
- Do not attempt to remove your neural detonator in the bathroom. Our custodial engineers work hard, and shouldn’t have to remove your viscera.
- Anyone not wearing casual clothing on Friday will be subject to re-education and Shunned.
- Anyone caught utilizing the word ‘use’ instead of ‘utilize’ will be Shunned.
- Report all non-conforming activity to your supervisor at once. A break in the chain means a break in corporate culture. We want this to be a fun place for everyone to work!
- Employee entanglements will be documented extensively. Please ask HR for the appropriate wooing and mating forms.
- Every third Saturday of the month is a DWI mandatory fun day. Absences will be noted and investigated.
- Do not attempt to access the 9th floor. Our executives are hard-working, and any disruption to their nutrient bath and rejuvination process will go on your employee record.
- On Mondays, at least one employee MUST utilize the phrase ‘Looks like someone’s got a case of the Mondays’. Failure to do so will result in neural detonation of your entire department.
For a more comprehensive list of employee rules and regulations, please refer to your employee handbook, Section 37, pp. 100-275.
Again, welcome to DWI, employee #4352! We look forward to your enthusiastic output and controlled wit!